I go to a grammar school, and I have an assistant. I despise her. People think she's nice? Pfft, look at it from my point of view. I. Don't. Need. Her. She follows me around during break and lunch, talks to my friends, bugs me during class, whilst I'm perfectly fine working by myself, every 5 minutes it's do you need pen? Do you need a pencil? It's gotten to the point where I can only respond with sarcasm ; "No, I don't, I had one 5 minutes ago and I haven't lost it as I haven't moved. Go. Away." People will say "Awk, she's only trying to help." NO! You don't understand what it's like. Having her with me takes away my independence, she sits there writing every detail down and I never actually get to see any of it.
On the topic of her following me and watching me, how would you feel if you had a 50-60 year old woman staring at you while you eat your lunch. Yeah. Its very disconcerting. When I'm having a chat with my friends she stands in the corner staring at me. You know how it feels everyday to have to listen to your friends tell you to go away because of a woman following you? It feels like shit. One of my friends said, and I quote "I wish you would die sometimes you know that, things would be a lot better." You may think he was joking, but I consider him a best friend. We joke around a lot and I can tell when he's joking, but he was dead serious, she talks to him during classes, during break, during lunch, and then has the NERVE to report back and say "Oh, the boys try to start a conversation with me." Even though she knows and I know and my friends know that it complete rubbish.
From the moment I knew I'd have an assistant I tried and tried and tried to make it not happen. But it did and from the first day back of September 2011, I have never been so depressed, so humiliated in my entire life, and let me tell you this, I've had pretty tough life, and screw not disclosing my age, I'm fourteen, and now you're thinking "Oh look he's only fourteen he isn't capable of having rational emotional thoughts because he's a teenager." Wrong. Dead wrong. I know how I feel, I spend every waking moment thinking about her, its ironic really, the person I hate and despise is the person that I think about the most. I'm not going to lie, I have no shame, I've self-harmed - cut my wrists and forearms in fact, because she makes me want to kill myself. I have persisted in trying to get her to leave. I have cried my eyes out to my parents, sometimes I wish I could just break down and cry in school but I can't, I know my friends would be understanding, I've been there for my best friend when he was in a time of need. My mother has been sick since I was born, gradually getting worse over the years, during all of those years, I've been depressed and angry. I tried to kill myself more than once. I really hate saying things like "I have a bad life." I have a pretty good life. Just the bad parts of my life are terrible in comparison to anything else. I just want to die.
I just want my life to stop being unnecessarily hard. I know life's hard. But it's not supposed to be made difficult by things that are easily fixed.
Nick.